Diary
Hello again. Hope everyone's doing well. I really need to spend some time this month to update the site! I have some new ideas and want to scrap some things I'm not too passionate about, like the film reviews. I don't really do those, and while I would love the opportunity to write out my thoughts, I'm usually just not in the mood for it. Keep your eyes peeled!
What's been going on in my life... I visited the East Coast to visit my partner in August! I have pretty mixed feelings about my trip -- I had a H. pylori infection for a month before that, pretty much right after I posted the last entry here, actually! I highly, highly don't recommend getting that bacteria. I was suffering so much, and I thought it was my ulcerative colitis acting up as it tends to do in July because of my dad's birthday and death anniversary. I decided to put a lot of work into my eating habits, eating more intentionally and healthy. It turns out the bacteria were loving all the nutrients I was giving them and eating them up! As well as my stomach's walls! The medication they put me on for 2 weeks felt like hell. I had to take around 15 pills a day in regular intervals, and some of them made me so nauseous and disgusted that I threw up a lot... It made me so paranoid and suicidal; people online even described it as chemotherapy lite. My last day of medication was on the day I flew in. I don't think I really fully recovered from that happening to me, mentally. I felt so awful and depressed for the majority of the trip. Aside from that, I got to see New York, Connecticut, and Boston! We were only in New York for a day, but I really loved being there. The city felt so alive. I loved the subway, the people, and the beautiful architecture I got to see. Also, the pizza was as good as they say... It felt good eating that after suffering for a whole month! I almost cried. Of course, I felt so loved and cared for by my partner (who had some of the worst luck combos I had seen in a while...), and I also just happened to come in during a huge heat wave, which also sucked...
The months following my trip feel like a huge blur. I've made a ton of new friends and feel really fulfilled in this part of my life. I joined a community organizing group last month and am really excited to be a part of that. I never thought I could ever say that I feel good about my social life! My whole life, I've felt a huge struggle with making friends and keeping them. I often felt like I was too much for the people I was around, and in some cases, it was true! I wasn't someone I liked a lot of the time after my dad died. I needed a ton of support, and I was always in my own head. I felt like I really fucked up by being too mentally ill for the people around me, and I really was so, so hard on myself. The last therapist I had really helped me get out of my head about a ton of things, and I still think about her years after I stopped therapy. But the biggest thing that helped was my trying my best. If anyone comes across this website who also felt the same way I did, just don't give up! Even when you want to! I went to so many events expecting to make friends, and felt awful coming home, feeling like I wasted my time trying. I learned how to put myself out there and repeatedly tried to connect with the people around me. When I think about all the people I love in my life now, I met them in such different places and times of my life! I feel in awe of my friends; they challenge my worldviews, and I learn so much from them. They truly make me feel like I have a home in them. I feel genuine unconditional love and understanding, and am so grateful.
That actually reminds me of something beautiful that I want to tell you about! It was the day before my friend's birthday, and they invited me and a few others to moonwatch the harvest moon in a small park in the hills to ring in their birthday. I got to meet another friend's brother for the first time, and he told this story that really made me feel like I was in the right place... He said ever since he was a kid, in the city we were in and all grew up in, he noticed there was a tree you could see from anywhere in the city. If you were here, you could see it. You could see it on the freeway, leaving and coming home. He has never met the tree, but it was always there. He doesn't know what type of tree it is either. I thought that was amazing. I never noticed something like that! Ever since then, I've been on the lookout. Maybe one day I can ask him to send me a picture. I just find the concept of the tree you can always see but have never met as amazing... hearing that under the moonlight made me feel like I was really at home. This is our city.
I have a few more updates... I ended up taking another pottery class with a different instructor than I usually do and had a negative experience. But I ended up getting very lucky and bought a pottery wheel second-hand! I'm really struggling to find motivation creatively these days with both the wheel and filmmaking... I'm in a rut due to frustrations with my job, family, and the world at large. I've kind of given up on finding a new job, as it's been a resolution for me for the last 3 years, so I'm taking a break on that indefinitely. I never got into a swim class, and that's okay with me right now.
What prompted me to write here today was the fact that I have been so hard on myself in the last few months and needed to recount my life. I've always thought of my cocoon being permanent. I'm in my cocoon, decaying and putting myself together until my true form emerges. Until I can be free. Right now, I realize that I can always come back to my cocoon. I am always changing and taking on many more forms and evolving eternally. I love my cocoon! I love being in a cycle of growth and rebirth. I feel that my heart is much lighter after this diary entry. Well, if you read up until this point! Thank you! I love you, and I hope you can continue to watch me become the person I always dreamt of in my cocoon.
Hello! long time no see. It's been almost 6 months since my last entry. At the end of a really moody and brain numbing January I got a planner and got my life together. I've been really active every day lately... I just wanted to post some life updates on here while I still have some idea of what went down.
My short film premiered at a film festival! My friends showed up for me and I felt really loved by my community. A lot of people came up to me after the film to tell me really kind things. The organization i did my short film with with pays for captions and audio descriptions done by a third party company who tabled at the festival. The few people who did the audio descriptions for mine flagged me down and said that since it didnt have dialogue it was really fun and freeing to do the descriptions. A blind person at the table really praised my movie highly in so much detail because of that and that really stuck with me. I love being an artist. I love film. This was a huge milestone for me and I've been floating in a current in the ocean since the premiere. My wheel throwing teacher also showed up and was going nuts! lol.
I took a wheel throwing class in the spring and made a ton of pieces. I fell in love with the wheel again and being an artist. I want to take another class in the fall! I'm glad I can take a break for a few months since I was feeling a bit burnt out... but I'm already excited to continue making new things. I've been thinking of getting back into tatreez to mend some of my clothes. I also was inspired by going to my friend's wonderful nature photo show earlier this month. They took a lot of beautiful pictures and it is something I never considered before seeing their work in person! I think I want to do some of that soon... I just need to continue floating until I see a little island and make my way toward it... At around the same time as my premiere I finished a 12 week session of the artist way, where I wrote 3 pages every day for the entire duration. It was really nourishing and healing to my inner child and since I finished the session I haven't been writing as much... I want to commit to it again. It's really hard but I really looked forward to it every day!
I have been making friends! This is something I didn't think would really happen during the year, but I really wanted it and manifested it and I drew it towards me. I feel really loved right now where I'm at with my community and am excited to continue to be apart of it. I'm really grateful for everyone who has showed up for me in so many ways. I am healing every day. I don't have anything else to add to my updates... I've done 2/5 of my new years resolutions! I'm still applying to jobs every day and I'm waiting for a swim class to get back to me on enrollment. As for my next script... I haven't started! I've been brainstorming ideas. I love experimental film so I want to learn more into that. We'll see what will come to me in the next 6 months.
Love you! See you later. Stay safe. - Turbine
Happy new year! I've been meaning to make an entry for awhile. December was a really rough month for me as it usually is but I finally feel somewhat present and alive tonight.
My new years resolutions:
- take another wheel throwing class
- learn how to swim
- make 1 new local friend
- finish a script for a short film
- get a new job
I'm on bsky now. Same url. It's pretty nice.
Hello! I ended up getting into the film workshop I mentioned last diary entry. It was for qwoc with communication disabilities. I felt right at home with all the other members of the workshop. Everyone was very supportive and kind and a joy to be around. I really appreciated every single person. It was a really intense time! I learned so much and gained so much confidence in my skills. I feel happy to have the foundation to continue working on other films.
My film is called Trance. The synopsis is: "While grieving the death of their father, Fuel convinces themself that their father is in the the TV static. They find and record things to “send” to the afterlife to their father." I was inspired by this Bresson quote my friend shared online: "My movie is born first in my head, dies on paper; is resuscitated by the living persons and real objects I use, which are killed on film but, placed in a certain order and projected onto a screen, come to life again like flowers in water." I transferred film I recorded on a camcorder to my computer and got to use a lot of cool footage I had accumulated! There's also that real life aspect about this film... but I don't really want to go too into that!
Other than the huge milestones of a workshop and my own film as new notches on my belt..! I have had such a boost of confidence in so many aspects of my life now. I feel like I was pretty static on a plateau before the workshop, so it came at a really good time for myself. I feel so powerful and capable! I've been directing these feelings toward looking for a new job and getting certified and just moving forward.
At around this time of the year I start to feel the weight of it all and disappointed in my achievements but even reflecting slightly on my year spurs excitement and hope within me. I know I had "find a new job" as a goal for this year but I really tried my best and didn't get to achieve that... but I achieved so many things otherwise! I travelled on my own for the first time and fell in love with washington and nature. I saw so many artists perform live that I never would've thought I would see again. I made a movie!? I got closer with my old friends and made new ones that I cherish and enjoy being around. I feel loved and held and supported and respected. I also took a wheel throwing class... I forgot about that one! I fixed my psp and some old ipods. grief has become manageable these days. i got closer with my mom. i cleaned out the garage and we did a few home renovations that we were too depressed about for years! I walk often now (instead of laying in bed 24/7 like I used to.) I stopped being invested in people who didn't care for me. and I watched so many movies... I don't even feel like this is the end of the year. There's a month left of the year and my birthday is in less than a month! Isn't that special!
I was looking at private diary entries from December 2023 and I was really suffering and going through it. I was so suicidal and upset at the world and angry at myself. I just want to look back at this entry whenever I feel low and know that the first step of feeling better is to take a step. Any step... because at some point we will be far away from where we were.
p.s.... im on bsky now! same url as this one.
Finally the concert month is over for me so I feel comfortable talking about my experiences. I went to go see Boa, Mitski and Lamp shows in that order. I feel like... the less I'm around people the better my experience is. I know now that I probably should get seats instead of floor tickets (ouch my back and legs) which wasn't so bad at Boa but it was a nightmare to stand at the Lamp concert. All three bands were amazing live.
I would say the crowds at the boa and lamp concert, since those were the ones I was standing in were kind of annoying to me... I feel like a huge misanthropist when I'm at concerts like that. I feel like people can be so unkind and unempathetic, saving large spots for people who are the tallest in the room to stand in front of everyone else. I talked about this with a few of my friends and it seems like the general consensus with my friends that these concerts these days for really popular artists (especially on tiktok now...) will be with people who only want to get the next clip for their social and don't really want to jam out and enjoy the music and let their body feel it.
In other things happening in my life: Ever since my Washington trip my inspiration and drive to make a movie hasn't gone down. I'm going to apply for a film workshop and if I don't get in I'll just figure out how to do things myself on a slower and smaller scale. Wish me luck!
Travel log 2:
Today I saw my internet friend and had a lot of fun! We went to Pink Gorilla Games, Al's Music Games and Video, and Scarecrow Video. It was so lovely to see my friend and meet her and spend time with her, I really am so happy just for that and it's one of the highlights of my trip. She's one of my favorite people to talk to so talking in person was really nice. :) Scarecrow video literally had the biggest movie collection I had ever seen in my life. I'm so envious of people who live in this area just for that video store. I would never have to struggle with watching things online ever again...
My partner and I wanted to go thrifting so we went to a few places in the same area. Apparently it was right near some of the places we went to earlier which was pretty funny... My partner got a cute bag and I bought some pins from a hobbyist media collector store. It was called Hi-Fi Lo-Fi. They pretty much exclusively played Under Night music and I recognized it immediately. The owner of the store was jamming to it and we had a lot of fun convo since I said I recognized it. I didn't say I was out of town but maybe when we come back here we'll say hi.
My friend and I got to talk about this earlier too but it really feels like travelling really puts things in a new perspective. I feel really motivated and inspired to create things and change the way that I live. I want to be able to live here with my partner and have a more peaceful time in my life. I want to have a job that doesn't burden me with stress and anxiety on the daily. I would literally quit my job in a heartbeat after today. I'm going to do my best to get what I want. Also... I'm not giving up on my movie anymore. I will work hard.
Travel log 1:
This will probably be one of the longer entries in this site for awhile but I have been on vacation "on my own" without my family for the first time in my life. My partner and I are in North Bend, WA right now chillin' in a nice and cozy vrbo right on the river. I wanted to write a journal entry earlier but we didn't really have the time, I've been enjoying spending time with them like nothing else.
My flight in... I was ridiculously early for the flight. About 6 hours early... I really wanted out of the house. My brother was vomiting from anxiety about his first day of senior year of high school and kept me up all night the night before. It was a nightmare. I left the house at 9 am and got to Seattle airport at 9 pm. It was really bad. I didn't eat that much before I left either and downed a liquid IV in hopes it would help. I'm glad I went early since it was my first time in an airport in general since I was 7. I was really anxious about it. At some point I cried from guilt and stress, I missed my pet at home, and I was worried about my brother.
I watched Final Destination with some friends a few days before my trip and although it was a very silly movie the scene when the airplane explodes was playing in my mind. I literally had the last seat on the plane. Lifting off felt good but it was really painful in my head, eyes, nose and ears when we landed. This white guy with dreads talked to me a lot it was... something. He told me the people in Washington are nicer than where we were coming from, that everything is like Tahoe, and there would be a blue moon tonight. Pretty much all those things were true. After he told me that and we got off the plane he didn't look at me again even though I wanted to say thanks for chatting with me. I was super sleep deprived and starving and wanted to do the 40 min drive for North Bend. I met my partner so we could do all that together. The rest is a bit boring to recount. We got food from a halal place that was fine but for some reason the fatigue was taking over and I ended up not eating a lot. It was dark the whole drive there.
When I woke up I could see that Washington was a really beautiful place. We are constantly in awe about how beautiful the nature is right outside our door. The douglas firs are really something. We came here to be touristy about Twin Peaks but it really does feel like we're living in a really romantic and beautiful connected place in the woods. During the first few days I really felt my body and soul healing from being in nature and being around my partner. I felt myself being nervous about the world I left behind but today I feel really good and at peace. Things will be happening I just have to not let it affect me. The air is really different here. The water feels fresh. I know I'm just in my feelings about this place but it really is wonderful.
I've never really slept next to my partner before this trip. I felt really nervous coming up to this trip about the sleeping arrangement but I really do love to sleep next to my partner in the same bed. It feels nice and safe. We watched a few movies and layed around together. It feels nice to be cared for and care for someone else like this. I like to help each other. Something new I found out this trip is how clumsy I am... I'm glad my partner doesn't seem to mind.
So far we've seen the R&R diner, Snoqualmie Falls, The Milk Barn, the bridge they found Ronnet Pulaski in Twin Peaks, Valley Cafe and Bridle State Park with my friend I watch movies with every week. It was really nice seeing my friend again. Right now I'm sitting in front of the heater on the floor while typing this. I will upload some pics later on the next journal entry and write more about the trip, but I mostly wanted to log some bigger things in the beginning of the trip and can go into more detail about the places we went to later. See you.
The internet is forever. It's really hard to write a first diary entry for temporary feelings on a permenant space... but I'll do my best.
I've been feeling lonely these days and am struggling with making friends. I have bouts of social anxiety that feels like it's so difficult to communicate at all during these phases. I feel scared and uneasy and I would rather be alone most times than be stressed out around another person. For a while I tried my best but sometimes my self esteem is so low that I imagine nobody wants to really talk to me or get to know me. Ah it feels really pathetic to be writing it out like this where people can see... but I really want to be honest with myself and the feelings I struggle with.